What I Ate: 9/4/2009

• 1 scoop Isopure dutch chocolate protein supplement in a grande iced decaf americano from Starbucks (115 kcals, 26g protein)
• 1 Babybel Light cheese round (50 kcals, 6g protein)
• About 2 oz. of a yellowtail/jalapeno sashimi appetizer in soy sauce (about 85 kcals, 13g protein) and about 3/4 cup of edamame in shells (about 80 kcals, 6.5g protein), all from M Cafe, an Asian fusion restaurant here in Columbia
• 1 slice Kraft fat-free sharp cheddar cheese (30 kcals, 5g protein) and 1 slice "fried" (in nonstick spray) 98% fat free turkey balogna (25 kcals, 3g protein) - revisiting childhood, minus the carbs in the white bread and the sugar in the ketchup! And the rest of my edamame from lunch, about 1 and 1/8 cups in shells (120 kcals, 10g protein). This was PAINFUL. I overate again!!!! What is wrong with me???
• 1 scoop Inspire chocolate peanut butter fudge protein supplement in 1/2 cup water and a little ice. (127 kcals, 26g protein) I served this in a margarita glass. I love this protein - it tastes like liquefied Reese's Cups! But I wasn't in the mood for it. I wasn't hungry, and it was so late that it made me feel gross. However, I thought I should drink it anyway to get my protein count on target for today. I'm thinking about skewing my shakes earlier in the day so I don't wind up having shakes when I'm not hungry in order to meet protein goals.

Total: 632 kcals, 95.5g protein, 60.4% kcals from protein.

The incident with the edamame and turkey balogna is making me reconsider joining Overeaters Anonymous. I'd planned to have refried beans for dinner, but the edamame were just sitting there, and I couldn't keep myself from eating them.

That is the kind of compulsion that dictated my relationship with food for at least the past 7 years. In 2002 I embarked on my first serious and seriously successful diet. Before then I'd tried a lot of gimmicks, but in 2002 I went back to the basic of calorie-counting and exercise. Unfortunately, the calorie-counting became obsessive, and what started out as a good change became a situation that felt crazy. I was morbidly obese before, but the warped and conflicted feelings about food came later.

Anyway, today's edamame episode reminds me that gastric bypass alone can't solve the larger issue that created and sustained my morbid obesity for over 20 years. There's an oft-repeated cliche in the RNY world: "They didn't operate on my brain." I have to figure out how to fix my brain. Maybe OA is an okay place to start?

Activity today was kind of a mess. I started my new job today, and for some reason I spent most of the day standing and walking. After yesterday's 9 miles, all of that standing and walking was painful! I limped home from work and eventually tried to do a 45-minute Pilates workout, Quick Start Pilates for Weight Loss with Ana Caban. I got about 10 minutes in and realized that it was NOT happening because I'm not flexible enough. But I still wanted to get a workout in, and I didn't want to leave my apartment. So I went back to one of my old standbys, Bun Busters Low-Impact Aerobics with Liza Elliott. I have the VHS from 1993; I think my mom bought it sometime between 1993 and 1995. The video is kind of messed up at this point, but the sound is okay. (Also, after 16 years, I have most of the movements memorized anyway!) The workout is just 29 minutes, and it's quite fun and a bit more vigorous that Leslie Sansone's Walk Aerobics. I love this workout. Wish I could find it on DVD!