-James 5:16, KJV
"Confession is good for the soul. It's also humbling to see it in writing and makes one more motivated to correct the error of their ways."
- Pam, on ObesityHelp.com's RNY message board. (Pam blogs at Journey to a Healthier Me.)
I couldn't decide whether to share this weekend's foibles publicly. I wasn't sure whether documenting my total noncompliance would be helpful, to me or to others. But after reading Pam's statement, the last line of a post in which she made her own confession, I realized that I need to post this if I'm going to deal with it and move on. Denial is what got me from 209 back up to 310 in the three years before my surgery.
I didn't log amounts of what I ate; I was temporarily insane and was eating whatever I could fit. So, here's a list of the items in which I over-indulged:
- Pecans with raisins and semi-sweet chocolate chips
- Sweet potatoes
- Strawberry-rhubarb cider
- Edy's slow-churned triple chocolate ice cream
- Honey Nut Cheerios
- Baked cheddar & sour cream chips (these were my favorite pre-RNY snack)
- FitNutz chunky powdered peanut butter with more raisins
- 100-calorie sandwich thin
- Nutella (didn't eat much, but shouldn't have touched it at all. Fortunately, I didn't enjoy it - too sweet.)
- Cameo apples
- Probably other stuff that I don't remember
The worst part is not that I tasted carby food, but rather that I ate uncontrollably. I overstuffed myself to the point of sickness 4 or 5 times on Saturday and Sunday alone. Not to mention all the Fiber One cereal I ate on Thursday and Friday nights.
I'm more concerned about the overstuffing than the nutritional composition of the food. I become morbidly obese binging on foods that are generally considered healthful. My childhood was full of baked chicken and vegetable stir-fry cooked in Pam, not fried chicken and macaroni pie. Overstuffing is extremely bad news post-RNY: It stretches the pouch, stretches the stoma, and could seriously injure me.
This is definitely not the first time I've overstuffed, of course. In fact, just last weekend, I overstuffed at Alex Guarnaschelli's Butter Restaurant in NYC. I felt slightly guilty about overeating and about what I ate (including a cheddar biscuit and a chocolate filled with caramel), but I was ultimately charitable with myself because it was a special occasion, and the food was incredible.
Not so this time. This was just a weekend at with the family. I'll be up there again in less than a month. And the food I ate was not special in any way.
I need to make sure overstuffing doesn't become a regular habit. The question is, how? I ordered a couple compulsive eating self-help books off Amazon yesterday. I'm usually not a fan of that literary genre, but desperation can make you do crazy things, like read self-help books.
So I've confessed. Now, here's hoping for humility, healing, and motivation.