If You Bite It, Write It - January 3, 2011

My two-week liquid diet started today at 9 AM and will end on the morning of January 18.  The purpose of this New Year liquid diet is to get myself on a better foot, teaching myself that while I may enjoy eating nuts, bread, etc. that I don't need them, and to remind myself that I'm strong enough to beat the disease of obesity/food addiction.

I didn't start the liquid diet officially until 9 AM, so I'm starting the record with that (although I didn't actually have any shakes until 12:15 PM).  At 4 AM on the train I had some deli meat and at 7 AM or so I had my last sugar-free Dove dark chocolate.

Also, I'm making some changes -- changing the URL to this blog and its design. I feel like I'm moving into a new phase here. I met with a bariatric/eating disorder psychologist last Wednesday who gave me new hope; now I feel generally more positive about where this is all leading.  And it feels really good to have gotten through my first day on the liquid re-charge diet.

• 1 Pure Protein Frosty Chocolate drink (170 kcals, 35g protein, 4g carbs, 1g fiber, 1g fat)
• 2T half and half in Sbux Casi Cielo coffee
• 1/2 14 oz. vanilla creme Oh Yeah! in Sbux decaf
• 1/2 14 oz. vanilla creme Oh Yeah!, 1 scoop Matrix chocolate protein, 1.5T cocoa, and 2 tsp. SF chocolate pudding mix with ice.
• 1 cup unsweetened chocolate almond breeze, 1 scoop Matrix chocolate, a little Splenda, 1.5T cocoa, and 2 tsp. SF cheesecake pudding mix with ice.

Required 30 minutes of cardio: Leslie Sansone 30-minute walk.

What I Ate: November 6, 2010

Auditioned for a choir today. It went horribly, not because I didn't sing well, but because they were asking me all these questions about music that I just didn't know the answers to. I knew it was bad when, at the end, they asked me if I'd ever been trained (I haven't) and they were like, "because I noticed you tilt your neck up sometimes . . . that's not a great technique." So basically they were telling me I don't know how to sing properly, and I guess it doesn't matter whether I sang well or did well with the pitch exercises. I wasn't prepared for the questions I encountered. It felt like I was auditioning for Sunday Best or like, Kirk Franklin's or Fred Hammond's choir. If I had known that's what I was getting into, I would have done a little research beforehand so I could have faked it till I made it. :-(

Okay, moving along. I ate foolishly today. After the audition, I was starving and was trying to get home quickly, but I don't know my way around Maryland too well yet, so I got lost. I didn't have anything with me. So - when you're lost and you need protein food quickly, what springs to mind? Nuts, of course. For me, cashews (even though I could have bought a single-serving of pistachios if I had to go the nut route.)

You know what happened. Over the course of the day, I ate the entire canister. And because I hadn't actually counted to see how egregious my misdeeds were, I ate poorly later tonight as well. Then I was like, "Dang, now I've grazed my way up to almost 3000 calories today. Awesome."

• Chocolate-maple protein frosty: 1/2 scoop Matrix perfect chocolate protein powder (60 kcals, 11.5g protein, 1.5g net carbs, 1g fat), 1 tbsp. Hershey's regular cocoa (10 kcals, 1g net carbs), 2 tsp. SF/FF chocolate Jello pudding mix (10 kcals, 2g carbs), 1/2 scoop 1% cottage cheese (81 kcals, 14g protein, 3g carbs, 1g fat), 1 tsp. maple flavoring, 2T Splenda granular (12 kcals, 3g carbs). Total - (173 kcals, 25.5g protein, 10.5g net carbs, 2g fat).
• A whole tub of cashews. (1600 kcals, 50g protein, 80g net carbs, 130g fat). Yep. It took hours, but I did that.
• Poh tak soup at Thai restaurant with friends. Despite the ridiculousness of the rest of my eating day, this was a very good choice. It had 1 shrimp, 3 pieces of squid, and 1 mussel in a lemongrass broth with lime juice and basil. It was supposed to be spicy, but it wasn't, and it wasn't so good from where I got it. But I could tell that at a good Thai restaurant, it would probably be delicious. In keeping with the RNY eating rules, I sipped on the broth first and ate the solids last. :-)
• Starbucks decaf coffee with 2T half and half (40 kcals, 0.8g protein, 1g carbs, 3.4g fat) and 10 Splendas (30 kcals, 7g carbs). Total - (70 kcals, 0.8g protein, 8g carbs, 3.4g fat).
• Came home, went haywire - Probably what amounts to 2 of my low-carb red velvet cupcakes with sugar-free cream cheese icing. (roughly 324 kcals, 14g protein, 16g net carbs, 15g fat).
• Several strawberries
• 1 large hard-boiled egg (72 kcals, 6.3g protein, 0.4g carbs, 5g fat) and 8 small steamed shrimp with mustard Q sauce (56 kcals, 9g protein, 3g carbs, 0.8g fat).

Weight Saturday morning: 179.2. Yeah. That doesn't make sense given the high calories and lack of exercise over the last couple days, does it? I've lost almost 9 pounds in less than a week, supposedly. Well, I know the scale won't be so kind tomorrow.

In any event, I'm not getting excited. As usual, whether my weight goes up or down on a day to day basis usually depends less on my behavior and more on hormones or something. The real problem is not that I regained 18 pounds, but rather that I went from fluctuating between 170-178 to fluctuating between 180-188. That's essentially a ten-pound gain. I want to permanently get back to those 170s.

What I Ate: October 16-18, 2010

On Monday the 18th, I had:

• Chocolate-ginger protein frosty - no pudding mix!
• Leftover dilled pimento cheese and mustard-bbq pork meatballs from a gathering I had at my house on Sunday. I use Fage 0% instead of mayo in my pimento cheese, and the mustard bbq sauce is quite low-calorie with a mustard base, Splenda, vinegar, and seasonings.
• Ditto - more meatballs and pimento cheese.
• Leftover whole chicken salad with apples and roasted grapes (instead of using mayo, I roast the whole chicken and puree the dark meat chicken and chop the breast and wing meat. This way, the creaminess of the chicken salad primarily comes from the meat itself. But there's a smidge of olive oil and vinegar too.)
• A handful of roasted and salted peanuts and a handful of roasted pistachios
• Chocolate-maple protein frosty, again nixing the pudding mix.
• Another handful of peanuts.

I have not worked out for THREE DAYS! This weekend left me exhausted. I literally spent all day - from 6 AM to past midnight - cooking/cleaning on both Saturday and Sunday for an event I hosted on Sunday evening. I even missed church on Sunday, which made me really sad. Planning for the Sunday event was difficult because I had to serve heavy hors d'oeuvres to people I don't know. I have very little experience with heavy hors d'oeuvres, but here's what I came up with:

• Whole chicken salad (as mentioned above)
• Dilled pimento cheese (as mentioned above)
• Garlicky beet & winter squash dip - not the most popular item, even though it's delicious! People are funny about beets.
• Crackers (carbs!) and chips (more carbs!) for non-ops to eat with the first three items
• Crudite of jicama, zucchini, and red bell pepper for the health conscious to eat with the first three items -- of course this was barely touched
• Herbed brussels sprouts and candied turkey bacon on skewers - people really liked this, even though I don't like brussels sprouts at room temperature
• Caprese salad (with grape tomatoes, bocconcini, basil, and balsamic reduction) on skewers
• Curry-roasted cauliflower and sweet potatoes - the vegan dish, and it got rave reviews from both the black folks at my house on Sunday and the white folks at work on Monday.
• Pork meatballs with homemade South Carolina mustard bbq sauce
• Apple spice cake with vanilla buttercream and pomegranate molasses. I made the cake from a Bariatric Eating recipe, but added vanilla, nutmeg, allspice, clove, and more cinnamon. I also used some coconut flour instead of all almond flour (coconut flour is cheaper and has better stats.) The pomegranate molasses is just Pom reduced to a thick, tart syrup - and it's full sugar and extremely flavorful, so just a slight drizzle over the cake is enough.
• The good ol' black bean chocolate cupcakes, this time with a peanut butter-cream cheese filling, no sugar added chocolate ganache and salted peanut topping
• Bananas coated with no-sugar-added chocolate ganache
• White chocolate bark with dried cranberries, pistachios, and orange zest. This was not very popular at the party but was EXTREMELY popular at work the next day. Maybe white folks like white chocolate more. ;-)

Saturday the 16th and Sunday the 17th were pretty much just tastes of these foods. On Saturday, I did have one protein frosty in the morning. But, for the most part, it was all this stuff. Sunday, in particular, was a very carby day unfortunately. At least Monday was a big step toward getting back on track foodwise, and tomorrow morning I'll add the gym back into the mix.

What I Ate: July 30, 2010

::Sigh:: The nuts don't seem to be working for me anymore. I was at 171.2 this morning, a full pound gain from yesterday.

• Eggnog protein frosty: 1/2 scoop About Time birthday cake protein powder (52 kcals, 12.5g protein, 0g net carbs, 0g fat), 1/2 cup fat-free cottage cheese (80 kcals, 15g protein, 5g carbs, 0g fat), 1 tsp. SF/FF white chocolate pudding mix (5 kcals, 1g carbs), pinch of salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, DaVinci SF egg nog syrup. Total - (137 kcals, 27.5g protein, 6g carbs, 0g fat).
• 1/4 cup whole milk in venti decaf coffee from Sbux (38 kcals, 2g protein, 3g carbs, 2g fat).
• 4 Eggface bites with turkey ham, fat-free cheese, and onions (84 kcals, 14.4g protein, 2.1g net carbs, 4.8g fat) and 60 grams peaches (24 kcals, 1.3g protein, 4.8g net carbs, 0.1g fat). Total - (108 kcals, 15.7g protein, 6.9g net carbs, 4.9g fat).
• 1 Pure Protein frosty chocolate shake in 3 decaf coffees (170 kcals, 35g protein, 3g net carbs, 1g fat) with 3 LaNouba sugar-free marshmallows (40 kcals, 8g net carbs). Total - (210 kcals, 35g protein, 11g net carbs, 9g fat).
• 1 oz. soaked raw almonds (164 kcals, 6g protein, 2.3g net carbs, 14.4g fat).
• Chocolate-praline protein frosty: 1/2 scoop Nectar chocolate truffle protein powder (50 kcals, 11.5g protein, 1g carbs, 0g fat), 1/2 cup fat-free cottage cheese (80 kcals, 15g protein, 5g carbs, 0g fat), 1 tbsp. Hershey's unsweetened cocoa (10 kcals, 1g net carbs), 1 tsp. FF/SF chocolate pudding mix (5 kcals, 1g carbs), SF praline syrup. Total - (145 kcals, 26.5g protein, 8g carbs, 0g fat).
• Chocolate protein pancakes with chocolatey pancake syrup: 1/4 cup fat-free cottage cheese (40 kcals, 7.5g protein, 2.5g carbs, 0g fat), 2 tbsp. Egg Beaters (15 kcals, 3g protein, 0.5g carbs, 0g fat), 1 scoop Nectar vanilla bean torte protein powder (90 kcals, 23g protein, 0g carbs, 0g fat), 1 tbsp. unsweetened cocoa powder (10 kcals, 1g net carbs), baking powder, 2 tbsp. SF praline syrup, cinnamon, Splenda, 1 tbsp. FF ICBINB (5 kcals) and 2 tbsp. SF Mrs. Butterworth's syrup (10 kcals, 2g net carbs). Total - (160 kcals, 33.5g protein, 5g net carbs, 0g fat).
• Butterscotch protein frosty: 1/2 scoop About Time birthday cake protein powder (52 kcals, 12.5g protein, 0g net carbs, 0g fat), 1/2 cup fat-free cottage cheese (80 kcals, 15g protein, 5g carbs, 0g fat), 1T. SF/FF butterscotch pudding mix (15 kcals, 3g carbs), pinch of cinnamon, DaVinci SF praline syrup. Total - (147 kcals, 27.5g protein, 8g carbs, 0g fat).
• 1 serving roasted lite firm tofu (45 kcals, 7g protein, 2g carbs, 1.5g fat).

Total:
1,154 calories
180.7g protein
62.6% kcals from protein
52.2g net carbs
18.1% kcals from net carbs
31.8g fat
24.8% kcals from fat.

Friday's activity was 75 minutes of hot yoga. The class was killer because I hadn't practiced in about a week and a half (terrible!)

What I Ate: June 28, 2010

Oddly, after consuming almost 2,000 calories yesterday, the scale hit a new low this morning: 172.4. That's a meager 3.4 pounds from my first goal of 169, which is half of my highest measured weight of 338.

For some reason, insanely overeating nuts and avocados seems to trigger my weight loss, not stall it. Last weekend, I probably ate about the same number of calories on Sunday or perhaps less, but I'm guessing that because what I ate was relatively low in fat and high in carbs (albeit, mostly fiber), it had a different effect on me than the nuts did.

Weekend of June 5-6: I go to Charleston, where I binge on avocados and Blue Diamond cinnamon-brown sugar almonds. Have a few bites of banana pudding; nothing outrageous. Monday's scale reading? 173.something (a new low.)

Weekend of June 19-20: I go to Anderson, where I binge on watermelon and Nik's chocolate peanut butter fudge protein pie with Fiber One crust. Monday's scale reading? 180, up 6 pounds from Friday morning (yes, I know it wasn't all fat.)

Weekend of June 26-27: I'm in Kentucky, where I binge primarily on natural almonds and raw cashews. Monday's scale reading? 172.4 (a new low.)

Interesting outcomes, but I'm not going to read too much into it. The fact is, I need to stop overeating period. But, if I do overeat, I will try to focus on healthy fats.

Anyway, on to food:

• Strawberries and white chocolate protein shake: 1/2 cup fat-free cottage cheese (80 kcals, 15g protein, 5g carbs, 0g fat), 1/2 scoop Matrix strawberry cream protein powder (55 kcals, 11.5g protein, 1g carbs, 0.8g fat), 1 tbsp. SF/FF Jello cheesecake pudding mix (15 kcals, 3g carbs), SF white chocolate syrup, lotsa ice. Total - (150 kcals, 26.5g protein, 9g carbs, 0.8g fat).
• 1 Pure Protein frosty chocolate shake in 4 decaf coffees (170 kcals, 35g protein, 3g net carbs, 1g fat).
• Another Pure Protein frosty chocolate shake in 4 decaf coffees (170 kcals, 35g protein, 3g net carbs, 1g fat).
• 1 100-calorie pack natural walnuts & almonds (100 kcals, 4g protein, 2g net carbs, 9g fat).
• 1 red velvet protein pancake (about 64 kcals, 10.6g protein, 1.8g net carbs, 0g fat) with 1 tbsp. FF ICBINB (5 kcals) and 2 tbsp. SF Mrs. Butterworth's pancake syrup (10 kcals, 2g net carbs). Total - (79 kcals, 10.6g protein, 3.8g net carbs, 0g fat).
• Very weird but very delicious salad: 2 oz. ground chicken breast (54 kcals, 12g protein, 2g carbs, 0.5g fat), 2 strips Applegate Farms no nitrate added uncured turkey bacon (70 kcals, 12g protein, 0g carbs, 3g fat), 85 grams eggplant (20 kcals, 0.8g protein, 1.9g net carbs, 0.2g fat), 41 grams chopped red onion (15 kcals, 0.4g protein, 2.9g net carbs, 0g fat), all cooked together with vinegar, Stevia in the Raw, garam masala, preserved lemon, and fennel seeds (5 kcals) and served over 1.5 cups of arugula (10 kcals, 0.8g protein, 0.6g net carbs, 0g fat). Total - (174 kcals, 30g protein, 7.4g net carbs, 3.7g fat)
• Chocolate protein frosty with banana: 1/2 cup cottage cheese (80 kcals, 15g protein, 5g carbs, 0g fat), 1/2 scoop Nectar chocolate truffle protein powder (50 kcals, 11.5g protein, 1g carbs, 0g fat), 1 tbsp. SF/FF chocolate Jello pudding mix (15 kcals, 3g carbs), 1 tbsp. Hershey's unsweetened cocoa (5 kcals, 0.5g net carbs), 22 grams frozen banana (20 kcals, 0.2g protein, 4.5g net carbs, 0.1g fat), SF dulce de leche, peanut butter, and toasted marshmallow syrups, lotsa ice. Total - (170 kcals, 26.7g protein, 14g net carbs, 0.1g fat).

Total:
1,013 calories
167.8g protein (a bit much)
66.3% kcals from protein
42.2g net carbs
16.7% kcals from net carbs
15.6g fat
13.9% kcals from fat.

Exercise was 35 minutes on the treadmill at a much higher-than-normal incline in the morning, then I went to yoga for 75 minutes right after work. It was a great class - I worked my inner thighs so hard that they were shaking afterwards. The instructor was a substitute that I really, really like because she tends to work people hard. The pace of the class was quick, even though it was a basic class.

What I Ate: May 21, 2010

The scale hit a new low this morning: 175.7!

Let's hope I don't sabotage myself this weekend visiting the fam nor next week at camp. I'm planning to bring a mechanical bathroom scale to keep me accountable.

Anyway, food:

• Buttery caramel protein frosty: 1/2 cup cottage cheese (80 kcals, 15g protein, 5g carbs, 0g fat), 1/2 scoop Inspire cinnamon cappuccino protein (55 kcals, 15g protein, 0.5g carbs, 0g fat), 1 tbsp. vanilla SF/FF Jello pudding mix (15 kcals, 3g carbs), 1 tbsp. fat-free I Can't Believe It's Not Butter (5 kcals), and SF dulce de leche and French vanilla syrups. Total - (155 kcals, 30g protein, 8.5g carbs, 0g fat).
• 2 Greek-inspired mini preserved lemon chicken patties (104 kcals, 16g protein, 4g net carbs, 1.2g fat) with 81 grams Indian roasted eggplant (33 kcals, 1.2g protein, 3g net carbs, 0.3g fat). Total - (137 kcals, 17.2g protein, 7g net carbs, 1.5g fat).
• 2 more Greek-inspired mini preserved lemon chicken patties (104 kcals, 16g protein, 4g net carbs, 1.2g fat). Trying to make sure I eat the whole batch before heading out of town next week.
• 4 LaNouba sugar-free marshmallows (54 kcals, 0.8g protein, 10.4g net carbs). I actually ate two of these yesterday, but forgot to count them so tacking them onto today.
• 1/2 vanilla creme Oh Yeah! ready-to-drink protein in 2 decaf coffees (110 kcals, 16g protein, 1.7g carbs, 4.5g fat)
• The other half of the Oh Yeah! in a Starbucks iced decaf americano with a splash of Torani SF chocolate syrup (110 kcals, 16g protein, 1.8g carbs, 4.5g fat)
• My last Greek-inspired mini preserved lemon chicken patty (52 kcals, 8g protein, 2g net carbs, 0.6g fat), tomato (7 kcals, 1g net carbs), and the last of my Indian roasted eggplant (33 kcals, 1.2g protein, 3g net carbs, 0.3g fat), plus a 100-calorie pack cocoa-roasted almonds (100 kcals, 3g protein, 2g net carbs, 8g fat). Total - (192 kcals, 12.2g protein, 8g net carbs, 8.9g fat).
• Strawberries and white chocolate protein shake: 1/2 cup fat-free cottage cheese (80 kcals, 15g protein, 5g carbs, 0g fat), 1/2 scoop Matrix strawberry cream protein powder (55 kcals, 11.5g protein, 1g carbs, 0.8g fat), 1 tbsp. SF/FF Jello cheesecake pudding mix (15 kcals, 3g carbs), SF white chocolate syrup, lotsa ice. Total - (150 kcals, 26.5g protein, 9g carbs, 0.8g fat).
• 4 Bariatric Advantage calcium lozenges (16 kcals, 4g net carbs)
• 2 Celebrate orange multivitamins (10 kcals, 2g net carbs)
• 2 Celebrate grape iron + c (10 kcals, 3g net carbs)

Total:
1,048 calories
134.7g protein
51.4% kcals from protein
60.1g net carbs
22.9% kcals from net carbs
21.4g fat
18.4% kcals from fat.

Missed my exercise today - didn't get home from work till after midnight! Argh!

What I Ate: April 13, 2010 - Rebirthday Edition

::singing:: Do you know what today is?/It's my surgiversary/ surgiversary . . . surgiversary . . . my surgiversary (to the tune of Tony! Toni! Tone!'s 1993 hit "Anniversary." Hey, I'm a child of 1990s).

• 1 vanilla Oh Yeah! as creamer in 4 decaf coffees (220 kcals, 32g protein, 3g net carbs, 9g fat)
• 1 Spinachy Chicken Burger (recipe forthcoming?) (75 kcals, 12g protein, 3.5g net carbs, 0.4g fat) with 1 slice Kraft fat-free Swiss (25 kcals, 4g protein, 2g carbs, 0g fat) and 2 small slices of tomato (5 kcals, 1g carbs). Total - (105 kcals, 16g protein, 6.5g net carbs, 0.4g fat)
• 1 100-calorie pack cocoa almonds (100 kcals, 3g protein, 2g net carbs, 9g fat)
• Chicken-bacon-ranch salad: 2 oz. chicken breast (62 kcals, 13.2g protein, 0g carbs, 0.8g fat), 2 strips Jennie-O extra lean turkey bacon (40 kcals, 6g protein, 0g carbs, 1g fat), thinly sliced red onion (7 kcals, 1g net carbs), a little diced tomato (7 kcals, 2g carbs), 1 slice Kraft fat-free American cheese (25 kcals, 4g protein, 2g carbs, 0g fat) and lemon ranch dressing - Fage based (15 kcals, 1.5g protein, 2g net carbs, 0g fat) over mache/frisee/radicchio salad mix (10 kcals, 0.6g protein, 1g net carbs, 0g fat). Total - (166 kcals, 23.7g protein, 7g net carbs, 1g fat).
• Peanut butter cookie protein fage: 1/2 cup Fage with (60 kcals, 10g protein, 4.5g net carbs, 0g fat), 1 scoop Inspire peanut butter cookie protein (132 kcals, 25g protein, 1g carbs, 1g fat), and 1 tbsp. SF Hershey's chocolate syrup (8 kcals, 2g net carbs). Total - (200 kcals, 35g protein, 7.5g net carbs, 1g fat).
• Nibbles of carrots - was attempting carrot chips. It didn't quite work out too well, and I wound up eating the failed chips. (estimating 60 kcals, 1.4g protein, 12g net carbs)
• 2 Bariatric Advantage calcium citrate chews, 1 raspberry, one chocolate (30 kcals, 2.5g net carbs)
• 3 Bariatric Advantage cinnamon calcium citrate lozenges (12 kcals, 3g carbs)
• 2 Celebrate orange multivitamins (10 kcals, 2g net carbs)
• 2 Celebrate grape iron + c (10 kcals, 3g net carbs)

Total:
913 calories
111.1g protein
48.7% kcals from protein. (The carrots got me.)
48.5g net carbs (would have been golden without the carrots!)
21.2% kcals from net carbs
20.4g fat
20.1% kcals from fat.

I celebrated my technical surgiversary, which was at 7 AM, with a Leslie Sansone walk DVD and the intermediate Pilates DVD.

After work, I went to the local support group meeting where a plastic surgeon was speaking. That would have been cool, except that he oddly spent most of his lecture talking about plastic surgery generally instead of focusing specifically on post weight-loss surgery body contouring. Me, being the impatient person I am, actually interrupted him at one point to ask if he had any slides on plastics after weight loss. I was tired of looking at disgusting trauma photos that had nothing to do with us. Time is money!

I'll be writing a more reflective rebirthday post this weekend, hopefully after doing something with more sentimental value to celebrate.

Oh, and FYI - I didn't quite reach my goal to be in the 170s. I ate too much this past weekend. I was actually in the high 170s on Thursday and Friday of last week, but now I'm back in the low 180s. Hoping to get back to the 170s soon!

Numerical Goal for One-Year "Surgiversary"

In anticipation of my upcoming one-year "surgiversary" (next Tuesday! April 13, 2010!), I'm setting a little numerical goal: the 170s. I want to be at least 179.9 on Tuesday morning.

This is slightly ambitious. As you may know, I'm losing weight at a slow crawl at this point. My weight fluctuates + or - 10 pounds sometimes. But I've lost about 2 pounds over the past week or so, and this morning I got a bunch of different readings ranging from 181.6 to 179.3, with a mode of 180.0 (I think my scale may be a little on the fritz.) I probably won't meet this goal if the 181.6 reading was correct, but if the 180.0 was right, I should definitely be able to lose 0.1 pounds in 5 days - I think.

I've gotten more into activity goals, like participating in walk/run events or going to certain yoga classes. Numerical goals tend to be bad news in general, but especially for people like me for whom weight loss does not seem to correlate with plan adherence. For example, I lost weight this weekend, even though I went on a crazy carb spree that included Fiber One cereal, honey wheat dinner rolls, and sugar-free triple chocolate fudge ice cream. I'd planned to give myself that leeway, so I don't feel guilty about it, but it was still off-plan. A month ago, I was gaining weight despite following a low-carb, high-protein eating plan and exercising regularly.

For this reason, I won't be bent out of shape if I don't make the goal, or if my weight takes a turn upward. As long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, I'll be cool with it.

So, April 13th goal: 179.9. Root for me!

This Sunday, at Yoga

I did this:

This is urdhva dhanurasana (aka wheel pose.)

Disclaimers:

• I'm sure it looked nothing like that. I was able to get my feet flat and elbows straight though!
• I couldn't do it on my own; we did it as a partner exercise where you hold on to your partner's ankles and they help you raise your shoulders.

But whatever. I did it! I also did reclining hero pose (with props), an asana that seemed difficult to most people in the class despite using props. I couldn't hold the asana the full 5 minutes or so, but I got into the pose and held it a respectable amount of time.

I was dabbling in Level 1.5, a half-step above my usual Basic class - and amazingly, I don't think my performance was completely embarrassing. Slightly, perhaps, but not completely. Yay.

One-Year Surgery Follow-Up, and Goal-Setting.

Okay, I know - I'm not a year out. I'm not even eleven months out.

Nonetheless, I had my one-year follow-up on March 4. I was in New Haven for a conference, and it seemed smart to make an appointment while I was in town.

My last follow-up was on June 30th for a two-month visit, and I was not happy when I left. They didn't seem to be very happy with my progress. Even though I was exercising a lot and eating 500-800 calories a day, I was told to eat less and move more. I left the appointment more confused than ever about how to make my surgery work.

This visit was markedly different. According to their scales, I was 185.0. There were compliments all around. Of course, they also admonished me to watch my weight and labs very closely. My surgeon advised me not to become complacent and allow weight to creep back on. I've already been through the slow regain thing before, and I'll do whatever I can to avoid it.

My surgeon asked me if I had an ultimate goal weight (phrased in such a way that he was asking for my "dream weight" more than anything touched by realism.) I gave him my random goal weight of 152, which is half of my surgery starting weight of 304, and would give me a high-normal BMI of 24.2. He actually said that I could even go into the 140s (?!), but tempered that by raising the excess skin issue. He didn't give me any specific goals, but he mentioned that 170 might be reasonable, considering that I'm likely to have 15+ pounds of excess skin.

For now, I'm sticking with my 152-156 goal including the excess skin. I see my body. There's a lot of fat left on it that I should be able to lose before heading to the plastic surgeon's table.

This is a side note, but I recently read that BMI is not a good way of determining optimal health for African Americans, particularly African-American women. Apparently, black women tend not to show negative health consequences of a high BMI until it's over 38. Hmm.

Riddle Me This . . .

As you know if you're one of the few people who read this blog, my weight has been fluctuating between 187 and 194 or so for the past month. In order to stop being "obese" per the BMI charts, at 5'6.5" I need to weigh 188 or less. Even at 188, I'm still at the top of the "overweight" BMI range. A "normal" weight of 156 is still a long way off.

So, how is it that I'm able to wear several size S shirts? Granted, most of them came from stores with generous "vanity-sizing" like The Gap and Ann Taylor Loft, but the shirts are still on the smaller end of the sizes of their target demographic. And of course, being able to wear an S sweater doesn't mean I can wear an S button-down shirt. Nonetheless, I wasn't squeezing into these shirts. One of my size S Gap tees is actually a little too big. I wore a size S sweater to work yesterday, so it's not like I'm forcing my body into clothes that are too tight to wear in public. I wore one of my S tees to yoga last night also.

How does someone who is obese qualify to wear any interpretation of a "small"?

I don't know what to think. My tummy and thighs are still quite chunky (I can barely get into size L on the bottom), so this may explain some things.

Ten Months, and the Honeymoon's Over.

It's February 13, 2010, my ten-month "surgiversary."

On my nine-month surgiversary, I weighed 191.9. This morning, I weighed 190.0. So I've lost about 2 pounds in a whole month. Apparently my RNY "honeymoon," the period of rapid weight loss that usually lasts for about a year, is totally to' up and ovah.

I consider 2 pounds a plateau, or what we in the WLS community refer to as a "stall." However, labeling this simply as a "stall" obscures some of the craziness that's been going on with my weight over the past month.

My weight has been as low as 186.4, on January 23. Over the next 2 weeks or so, my weight crept back up to 194, then back down again. Over the past week, I've been weighing in the high 180s, usually between 187 and 188. For some reason, this morning I went back up into the 190s decade. ::Sigh.:: My weight has wildly fluctuated and seems to be completely out of my control.

I'm not sure what, if anything, I'm doing to cause this. About a week ago, I decided to give more calories a try. My daily calorie goal, at least for the next week or so, is 1,000. That's 100-200 more than I'd been eating before, and I've been reaching it by adding a morning protein shake. I've been exercising quite a lot, mixing cardio, yoga, Pilates, and the occasional traditional resistance workout. The only day I missed this week was Sunday, and that's because I was traveling. I need to buy the body fat analyzer, I guess. I'd be more comfortable with my body weight staying the same if I knew my body fat % was improving. In any event, the whole "calories in/calories out" line is not true for me whatsoever. I may try the 3-day liquid diet sometime soon.

If this stall can be tied to my nutrition intake, the only thing I can think of is sugarless gum, which I do not log. My thought with the gum is that since chewing gum burns calories, I don't worry about counting the minimal calories in it. The problem is that I burn fewer calories chewing the gum than I take in because I chew so much. I can go through 2-3 packs in a workday; it's almost become a replacement for compulsive eating, a transfer addiction. However, sugarless gum is generally a good weight loss habit because it keeps me from eating other things. (In fact, it's often featured on The Biggest Loser as a nifty weight loss tool.) I've gone some workdays without it, and too often I've eaten nuts or something otherwise off my daily plan when I could have just chewed the gum. I may try to give it up again, or at least cut back. It's an expensive habit, anyway.

Perhaps the stall is a result of being obese almost my whole life. Susan Maria Leach recently posted about this on her message board. She said that people who grew up normal-sized but became morbidly obese as adults "tend to drop down in weight like a rock to often below goal, and quite a few of these folks have to hang in and actually slow weight loss. . . . Some even have trouble keeping enough weight on." Conversely, people like me "are the ones who really have to fight for goal weight and have a greater tendency to top out heavy. IF people are going to gain most or all of the weight back, they are usually from this group. . . . [S]ince this group never had a set point for the body to use as a reference, it's tougher for the body to get there and stick it." Susan Maria emphasized that these are just trends she's recognized over the years; they aren't the Gospel of Gastric Bypass or anything.

Nonetheless, she might have pinpointed what's going on with me. I was chunky by the age of 5. I was wearing size 22/24 when I was 13. When I graduated high school, I was rejected health insurance because I was 330. My lowest adult weight was 210, and then I was squeezing into 18s. Now I'm 190 and wear size 14 on the bottom and usually a Medium top. My body is like, "Whaaaa? What's going on?!"

As I mentioned in a post earlier this week, it may simply be unrealistic to expect to become normal. It's sad, but I guess I have to play with the cards I was dealt. I'm going to keep fighting for my goal, but I may have to come to terms with the disappointing reality that some degree of fatness is my fate. I don't want to get so upset about the last 35 pounds that I stop being grateful for the first 150. If I can lose 2 pounds a month this year, I'll be 170 by the end of 2010. That's not so bad.

That's it. Ten months, and I'm bracing myself for life after the honeymoon. Or perhaps more accurately, I'm grieving its death.

Goals.

I went to my biweekly WLS support group meeting on Tuesday night. As usual, we started the meeting with introductions. Instead of taking the usual approach of introducing myself with how much I'd lost, I went with, "Hi, I'm Monica. On Saturday, it will be 10 months since my surgery. I have 35 pounds left to lose." (emphasis added to the important part).

I'm not sure why, but it felt right to lead with my goal instead of my starting point. Perhaps one reason is that starting with "I've lost 151 pounds from my highest weight and 117 since surgery" feels braggadocious. Not only that, everyone at the support group claps after you announce how much you've lost. I've netted a 2.5-pound loss this past month; I didn't want to hear any applause.

But I think the main reason is that I'm increasingly worried that I won't reach my goal weight. Maybe if I continually say my goal weight aloud - "152, 152, 152" - I will speak it into existence.

After my introduction, the nurse who leads the group says, "Well, you've done great. You look like you're already at goal." In response, I raised my eyebrows, looked down with embarrassment, and shook my head. I felt the pressure of my monstrous belly against my snug size 14 skirt. I thought, "If this is goal, I'm really disappointed."

I'm just not sure what my ultimate goal weight should be, and now that I'm on the downward slope of my weight loss phase, the lack of a clear goal is a problem. My surgeon doesn't assign a goal like some do, which makes sense philosophically, but may not make sense for clueless people like me. He asked me how much I wanted to lose; my response was, "Umm... I'm not sure." I haven't had a normal body weight since I was 5 or 6, if then. I have no idea what a healthy weight would be for me.

I initially turned to the BMI charts. My first goal was 156, because at 5'6.5", that would give me a "normal" BMI of 24.8. Later, I slightly lowered the goal to 152, half of my surgery starting weight. That would give me a BMI of 24.2, still on the high end of normal.

I'm not even sure if a normal BMI is realistic or desirable. Right now, my BMI is 29.8, right on the cusp between "obese" and "overweight." Some people decide their goals based on the percentage of excess weight lost, based on a medical perspective that RNYers can expect to lose up to 80% of their excess weight. So, if I base my excess weight on my highest weight of 338, "goal" would be 192.4 - in which case, I'm below goal (whatever.) If I base my excess weight on my surgery weight, my goal is 185.6, less than 2 pounds away.

Gee. This post is even more scattershot than usual. I'll just say this: I'm confused. The post reflects my general puzzlement about what my stopping point will be. I don't want to have a goal that I physiologically won't ever reach, but I still want my goal to be aggressive.

Mini-goals:
192.4: 80% excess weight from highest measured weight of 338
188: BMI of 29.9; no longer "obese"
185.6: 80% excess weight from official surgery start weight of 304
169: Half of highest measured weight of 338
156: BMI of 24.8; no longer "overweight"
152: Half of official surgery start weight of 304

I still need a mini-goal somewhere in the low 180s and/or 170s.

Just Registered for My First Athletic Event EVER.

That is, if you don't count Relay for Life or my high school's "March for Education," which was seriously like 1/4 or 1/2 mile. For me, Relay for Life was an opportunity to eat and socialize while supporting a worthy cause. Every couple hours I'd walk a lap. Anyway -

I just registered for the Cooper River Bridge Run, which will be held in Mt. Pleasant/Charleston, SC on March 27, 2010. It's a 10K. I will definitely be walking, maybe with 3 minutes of slow jogging interspersed here and there. Even so, I am experiencing a pleasant combination of excitement, anxiety, and a premature sense of accomplishment just for having the cojones to try something like this after 20+ years of obesity. Simply registering, let alone participating, feels surreal.

I hope I actually follow through with this, and I have a feeling that I will after paying almost $50 to sign up. Walking 6.2 miles isn't the scary part. That should be no problem. What makes me nervous is being a fat person in this environment.

Scale Shenanigans

I've gone back to weighing myself almost daily. It doesn't freak me out as much anymore, and I think it's a good habit as long as it's not making me crazy.

Anyway, about ten days or so ago, I allegedly weighed 190.4 (or something close, give or take a few tenths of a pound.) Of course, the number went back up, getting to 194+ at least once. Unlike the last time this happened, I didn't worry about it.

So this morning, the scale said I weighed 187.7 twice and then 189 twice. I don't really believe my scale, and even if I did, I expect to fluctuate back over 190. Nonetheless, I want to mark this day as the first time the scale suggested that I might be in a new weight "decade," the 180s. We'll see how long it lasts.

My next goal is 188 pounds, at which point I move from an "obese" BMI to an "overweight" BMI. So it was a little disconcerting to see 187.7 on the scale first thing this morning and to know it probably wasn't true.

Happy "Surgiversary" To Me: 9 Months In

This time nine months ago, I was on the operating table having RNY gastric bypass.

This morning, I weighed 191.9 pounds. This means that I've lost 146.1 pounds from my highest recorded weight of 338 in May 2002, and 112.1 pounds since my last pre-op appointment. I'm only about 4 pounds from reaching my next goal of 188, which will officially move me from an "obese" body mass index ("BMI") to an "overweight" BMI.

I need to lose 38 more pounds to reach my goal of 154, which would bring me to a "normal" BMI of 24.9. In reality, I want to lose more than that in case of a bounce back - but we'll see what my body chooses to do over the next several months.

The weight loss has definitely slowed, but that's normal. I'm fine with a slowdown as long as it keeps coming off. On December 1, 2009, I posted that I was "on the cusp of greatness" because I weighed 200.1 pounds. I broke through to "Onederland" (below 200 pounds) shortly thereafter, but then I fluctuated for a while and even weighed over 200 pounds again on a few mornings. Thus, over the past six weeks or so, I've lost fewer than ten pounds.

With RNY, the speediest weight loss tends to occur in the first six months. The rate of loss slows at that point, but it shouldn't completely stop until 12-18 months out. I hope this is not the case, but in reality, it could take me another nine months to lose the last 40 pounds.

I'm mentally prepared for that. My life has changed so positively as a result of this surgery. I'm more active than I used to be. I travel more. I was visiting friends in DC last weekend who live in a top floor walk-up, and I climbed those stairs, carrying luggage, with ease. More fundamentally, I don't feel abnormal anymore. I actually feel like I'm in my twenties instead of my fifties. Now that I no longer imagine myself encased in a fatsuit, I can be patient about this last little bit of excess weight. I am definitely going to remain diligent about my diet and exercise, but I recognize that the results aren't going to be as immediate as they were a few months ago.

Not just my weight, but also my attitude has changed over the past nine months. I've become an optimist. A lovely woman at last night's support group drove this home for me. She approached me after the meeting and told me how much she loved my positive attitude. I thought, "Whaaa . . . you're talking to me???" She said that I radiated confidence and positive energy.

My closer friends (and some that aren't so close, in truth) would think "positive" a strange adjective for me. No, I'm not the most negative person and I'm not the least confident, but I've never been Mary Sunshine. In eighth grade, I actually wrote an essay about the virtues of pessimism. The last couple years of college and every single moment of law school were an endless stream of second-guessing and self-doubt. I can always find the good in others, but I'm a terrible self-critic. (This is an INFP trait, by the way.)

But the nice woman at support group was right - my perspective on life is fairly positive right now. My life isn't close to being perfect. I live far away from all of my closest friends, and I realized fairly recently that I hate the legal profession altogether and need to drum up a new career from scratch. I don't have a job lined up for next year, and I have no idea what I want to do. But even with such a high level of uncertainty, I'm confident that everything's going to work out. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but I have faith. I don't think I could have said that nine months ago.

Of course, weight loss isn't solely responsible for this change in outlook. Over the past few months, I escaped the New Haven insanity vortex (Yale Law), passed the bar, started a new job with a very pleasant work environment, and moved into a lovely apartment that I have all to myself. I live in a warmer climate, which is important to me. I get to see my grandmother, mom, sister, and nephew on a regular basis because I'm only a couple of hours away from them. These factors are all conducive to happiness. But I still believe that the biggest contributor to my newfound optimism is the weight loss. I don't feel trapped by excess fat or by any other circumstance or condition. Minor setbacks aren't affecting my outlook the way they used to.

I sound like Mary Poppins right now, but I'm not delusional. I know I'll be battling the disease of obesity for the rest of my life. But now I'm fighting with an AK-47 instead of a slingshot.

I'm nine months in, and the view from here is grand. I'm thankful for all of the people who made this possible, including my mom, administrators and professors at the Yale Law School and the Yale Health Plan (long story), and Dr. Robert Bell of Yale-New Haven Hospital's bariatric program.

Weight Update, or "Welcome to One-derland!"

Just a quick update on my weight! For about a week now, I've been weighing in below 200 (!) This is strange, very strange. The lowest I've gotten is 196.5. If I think optimistically and consider 196.5 my current weight, that's a loss of 141.5 pounds from my highest measured weight of 338 in 2002 and 107.5 from my pre-surgery weight of 304. Not bad for just under eight months, though I know some lose faster.

Wow. This surgery is a whirlwind. I think the last time I weighed below 200 pounds, I was in 5th or 6th grade! I've been celebrating by shopping without buying much. Fortunately, I don't feel ashamed trying lots of stuff on and putting it all back. However, I did buy a very cute shirt at Ann Taylor LOFT (!) this weekend that I'm going to wear in my upcoming "One-derland" professional photos. It's a size Medium. Again - insanity!!!!! (I'm still in plus sizes on the bottom. Don't let my disproportionately small top half fool you.)

I've decided that my final weight goal will be 154, the weight at which I would have a normal body mass index ("BMI"). I may stall out higher than that; I may shoot for lower than that once I get there, but that's my goal for now.

My next mini-goal on the scale is 188, the weight at which my BMI will move from "obese" to "overweight." May not seem like anything exciting to you, but we formerly morbidly obese people relish these minor thrills. :-)

Weight Update: On the Cusp of Greatness

The title is perhaps an overstatement. I mean, I am on the cusp of greatness, but not for any reason related to my weight ;-) Anyway . . .

I've continued my general pattern of losing lots of weight for a few weeks, then stalling or losing very slowly for a few weeks. Yet, even though I'm in one of my slow-loss cycles, I'm still making progress. This morning, the scale said 200.1. That means I am just two-tenths of a pound away from "Onederland" (aka being under 200 pounds.)

Me being under 200 pounds will be nothing short of a miracle. Me??!!! I used to be 338, and probably was even more than that at my highest weight. I'm wearing shirts in sizes Medium and Large, and skirts in anything ranging from 14-20 (wide range due to flabby belly. Not that you needed to know about that, but hey, I'm keeping it real. Future plastic surgery is likely.)

This whole speedy weight loss thing is insane in the most positive way.

When I make it below 200, I'm getting professional photos made by a colleague from one of the WLS message boards. I obviously will need to get more photos made when I reach "goal," whatever that is, but getting under 200 will be such a milestone that I want to commemorate it.

Uncharted Territory: A Weight Update

Well, it's official. I am at my lowest recorded adult weight. About 30 minutes ago, the scale said 206.6.

I am 2.4 pounds below my lowest recorded adult weight of 209, which I measured at the Payne-Whitney "Chapel of Sweat" in September 2005. That's a loss of 131.4 pounds since my highest recorded weight of 338, in 2002, and 97.4 pounds since my surgery starting weight of 304.0.

I weigh 123 less than when I graduated from high school, 73 less than when I started senior year of high school, and 43 less than the end of my freshman year of high school, when I was 14 and experiencing my first serious crush. I went on my first crash diet that summer, combining Slim Fast with the Cabbage Soup Diet: my first time rapidly losing weight only to gain it right back.

Crazy.

Weight Update: 11/1/2009

So, I'm not even supposed to be weighing myself.

However, I abandoned the no-scale challenge last Sunday. I was getting antsy, and felt that my attitude toward the scale had improved after nearly two weeks away from it. I feel that my self-discipline can be reserved for other efforts, like exercise.

I won't go back to weighing myself every day for now, but I think it will be healthy to weigh myself once a week. I keep the scale in the upper back corner of my closet and only take it out for my specific weigh-ins. It's remarkable how much more stable my attitude toward food has become now that I'm not weighing myself 1+ times a day.

Results: Last week, I was 214.1. This week, I was 210.4. This puts me only 1.4 pounds from my lowest weight as an adult, 209, which is what I weighed at the very beginning of law school. Crazy . . . ! And interesting, because I didn't think I was going to lose any weight this week.